untenable:

“indefensible; incapable of being protected or justified”

i need to get out everything that’s been swirling around my head for the past few weeks. i’ve tried writing it down for myself, but the fact i’m not writing for an audience (rather, a potential audience - i don’t think that highly of myself) has made it difficult for me to acquiesce with all that is happening at the moment. i normally have little difficulty in expressing my emotions. break my heart, fine - i’ll sob my guts out with well-meaning, well-structured paragraphs about how my life will be better eventually. talk to me like shit and i’ll devise a description of your insecurities with yourself and convince you of flaws you never knew you had. but with my current situation, i am just finding it impossible to translate how i feel into words. it is the accumulation of years and years of little things that nobody except myself would be able to understand thoroughly, because i have never stayed friends with anybody long enough for them to hear the full story of my opinion on my parents, or stuck around long enough to see more than just the smiling face that greets them at the front door to make a good impression. my mum is a manipulative, vile creature. i am convinced there is deeper reasoning behind it than “that’s just how she is”. the majority of people i share upset or worry with assume that i am an ungrateful, selfish daughter who just whinges about their family, the same as any teenager does. with all arrogance omitted, our situations will never be similar. there are scarce people i know who’s parents never tell them they love them, or never even give them so much as a congratulations or a slap on the back when they get impressive exam results. instead, most bitch that their parents have only bought them a “cheap, shitty car”. i know i could be in a worse situation, and my heart goes out to those offspring who are abused or molested. but the absence of love is something no child should have to endure. if you weren’t prepared to love your kids with your entire being then you don’t deserve to have them.

i’ve been a completely different person for the past fortnight or so, and my sudden introversion is destroying me, but i just don’t even know where to start. urgh.